This took me awhile to write and I’m still debating if I should hit submit. Being transparent requires a level of vulnerability that I’m slowly coming round too. I’m not going to lie, it is VERY uncomfortable to share my innermost thoughts. However, by opening up, I’ve received so much love and words of reassurance from those around me.
Joining the wonderful club of motherhood has been nothing but an honor but when I found out I was pregnant, it was a massive shock. Not only was I ill-prepared mentally and emotionally; I was one month away from a 10-day baecation to Thailand. Despite months of planning and saving, severe morning sickness took hold of me and put a stop to all my plans. On one hand, I was disappointed and on the other I was excited.
However, throughout my pregnancy, I was affected with one ailment after another. In all honesty, I was miserable. With every kick and every turn, my mind would begin to race. Could I actually do this? Am I really ready? Do I even want to share this on social media just in case shit goes wrong? I was straddling the fence and finding it hard to turn my mind off. Despite the increasing doubt and anxiety that was mounting, talking about my pregnancy at work somehow made me feel normal again.
While I was excited to become a new mom, the anxiety of taking care of Olivia was starting to physically manifest itself. From sleepless nights to high blood pressure, my mind was beginning to unravel. Looking for any sort of relief, I eagerly awaited my due date. Despite my every effort to tame my thoughts, Olivia’s arrival threw a spanner in the works (may share that story at a later time).
Since giving birth, my anxiety levels have only worsened. I find myself staying awake peering into her Moses basket listening to every breath she takes or minimizing trips outside that require driving as my sudden fear of a car accident has immobilized me. It’s something that I am constantly working on and has gotten slowly better as she’s gotten older. I’m not sure if the worry will ever go away but I think that comes with the territory.