Moving On After Getting Disappointed, Yet Again….

Lately, I’ve been reading quite a few posts about dealing with disappointment in various forms. The one that stood out to me was relationships. So many of us need to hear this- it’s OK to let go.

There…I said it!

Yes, it may be difficult and it may hurt.  There may be days that you want to dwell on the pain and drown in regret but just know that it’s counter-productive. Take it from the girl who used to give her all only to be let down, enraged and saddened that things didn’t pan out. Not only would I hold onto the pain and disappointment, I couldn’t move on because my EGO couldn’t stomach that I wasn’t enough for that situation or person.

Not everyone is going to like you, and you know what? It’s  OK.

Once I realized that harboring these feelings were not leading me anywhere, I decided to let go. I vented, rehashed old wounds in my head and wrote every day in my journal. I forgave myself for holding onto someone and something that didn’t care. I forgave my heart for putting it through bullshit that it didn’t deserve and most importantly, I forgave them…especially, him.

Trust me, that was the last thing I wanted to do. Pain and anguish were what I wanted to cause him and embarrassment was the end goal. I wanted revenge and I was willing to do whatever it took to give him a taste of his own medicine.

How would you like it if I do the things you do, put you on do not disturb and entertain these dudes….give another guy everything that belongs to you? – Queen Naija

It was 2 months after I had left our home that the thoughts in my head became even more destructive and dangerous.

Should I let his cousin know that he was impersonating him online to talk to other women? Or perhaps I should post the screenshots of the inappropriate images and texts he was sending/receiving and tag his family members so they can understand why I left? 

No, I didn’t… I couldn’t. I was embarrassed. Funny how his actions could make me feel as if I was the one to blame. I held onto his shame as if his dirty little secrets will somehow vindicate and validate my self-worth. Yet, I still received all the blame the moment I decided to leave.

How didn’t you know he was like that? Didn’t he show you who he was?

Those questions ate at me. Many nights I replayed and revisited every conversation, every date, every encounter hoping that I was able to unearth the truth of our relationship. Unfortunately, those truths never truly came. I never got the apology or the reasoning behind his behavior. Instead, I was forced to settle for his silence.

Nothing worse than thinking you know someone and realising you never did. Not only did he hide his true persona, it took us saying our vows for me to realise that I committed myself to someone who wasn’t truly ready.

How could you play me when the love I gave was real? – Queen Naija

It was another lesson that I had to learn and trust me, it was difficult to come to terms with. However, time has a funny way of healing wounds no matter how deep they run.

Last year I legally ended a chapter in my life that was truly met with disappointment and glee but life has a great way of making things come full circle. Not only has my heart healed, I’ve been enjoying the new phase of life I’ve entered into…motherhood. I can’t fully express how I feel about the many lessons I learned in the past two years but I can say that with every situation a lesson was learned.

A once outgoing and carefree spirit has become timid and restrained; however, all is not lost. This year I vow to open myself up to everything the universe has to offer me.

 

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