“Are you here to loan me your chest when I cry at night?
Are you here to set me up, get me hyped, turn around and just leave my life?
I told him that’s that shit that I’m used to
Don’t blame me for me for my issues ”
-Tink- I Like
It was Friday night when this song came on and my mind wandered…funny how music can do that to you. I remember being single and feeling very unsure of what was happening with my love life…if you want to even call it that. There were people who were interested and there were those who were not but wanted my attention anyway. It was fun deciphering who was genuine and who wasn’t; but that ended when my feelings got involved. Balancing the act of putting yourself out there but not enough to get burned, is an acquired skilled that I didn’t have. Nothing worse than catching feelings for someone who isn’t sure if they see you as someone they want to date seriously.
For someone like me who analyses everything, I can tell you how exhausting it was. You start questioning everything and the joy of getting to know that person begins to fade as the nagging feeling of doubt refuses to be silenced. As much as I tried to refrain from negative thinking, it was hard to focus on living in the moment.
“Don’t get too attached…gotta keep a number 2 around and let his mind linger when you’re gone. Let your phone ring a couple times and let him start wandering what’s keeping you occupied… and then you’re gone.”
Those days you couldn’t tell me NOTHING. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, insecurities and everyday life that I couldn’t step back and fully re-access what was actually happening. I was caught up in the idea of them that I was blinding myself to the truth …..that maybe, just maybe he wasn’t meant for me.
That’s a hard pill to swallow.
A close friend of mine called to catch up and see how I was adjusting to my new life in England. It was really good hearing her voice, especially since I’m unable to have access to my friends and family like I used too. As we were going down memory lane, she asked me about someone from my past and it took me off guard. Not because it was anything negative; but I wasn’t expecting to feel what I was feeling, even I wasn’t sure what that was.
With a tendency of suppressing things…more so, people; I shutdown.
How the hell was I supposed to answer that without any hint of emotion? True that I hadn’t spoken to this person for quite awhile, but I was surprised at my reaction. I wasn’t sure why these feelings were lingering but I couldn’t deny that they were very much present and it was bothering me. Not because I was going to act on them but the fact that they laid dormant in me for so long.
Let’s be honest, our mind always wanders to people from our past. It could be for any reason but memories whether good or bad will always be present and can be reignited for whatever reason. The difficult part is dealing with those feelings once they surface.
” I don’t know T, it’s been forever since we spoke. “
The conversation ended there, but the memories didn’t. All these images and conversations ran in my head like a small film; it was all coming to me at once and I wished I was prepared.
It started out innocently, but I couldn’t disguise the waive of emotions that were riddling me. Why did I care? Why was it affecting me so much? Doing what I do best, I chalked it up to curiosity and kept it moving. Why spend energy on the past? It’s not like that energy is reciprocated….or maybe it is, I doubt I will ever know.
When T and I spoke again, I couldn’t help but disclose how I felt in our prior conversation and after a brief chat about it I felt at ease. Not because she said anything out of the norm, but that I had found solace within myself.
Usually it’s drilled into us to not look back and not reminisce but I have to disagree.
Tons of research have shown in recent years the psychological benefits of nostalgia. Not only do researchers believe that it helps us feel physically warmer when we do it (I guess depending on the memories), we also feel more hopeful about our futures and emotionally closer to those around us.
Dr. Constantine Sedikides, Professor at the University of South Hampton said,
Nostalgic stories often start badly, with some kind of problem, but then they tend to end well, thanks to help from someone close to you. So you end up with a stronger feeling of belonging and affiliation, and you become more generous toward others.
As I laid down, Tink Winters Diary 3 Mixtape played softly in my ears and for the first time…I enjoyed it.