January so far has taught me MANY lessons; many of which I was unprepared for.
To be honest, I don’t even know how to start this off. Writing on my blog has been very therapeutic for me. There are a lot of thoughts and feelings I don’t share with anyone. For those who know me, my curiosity for EVERYTHING sometimes leaves me mentally fatigued. I can analyse something down to its roots if I allow myself to be consumed by the who, what, when, where and why’s of things. However, nothing could compare to the events that took place a few week ago.
How do you move on from losing someone that was close to you? Better yet, how do you deal with the guilt?
Months ago, I called my former mentor to ask for a letter of recommendation for my Masters program. It was a long time coming, but he was eager to see me finally take a leap of faith. I can imagine it so clearly…his voice was filled with joy. Even though I wasn’t happy with my current work situation, (people weren’t friendly, my boss was passive and the atmosphere was claustrophobic and oppressive) this man listened! Venting, crying, babbling for 30 minutes I was finally releasing it all and it felt good. Not one time did he cut me off or rushed me off the phone, he just let me get it all out.
My silent fears and self-induced anxieties were finally gone.
Giving me words of wisdom and reassurance, he only asked for one thing in return…to make him proud. I assured him that I would but I could hear in his voice something was wrong. I asked him how he was feeling and he told me that he was going into surgery for his eye. After our brief prayer, he asked me to come see him before I went off to London.
I assured him I would… that was the last time we spoke.
Crying is the only thing that helps.
I know people are staring at me as tears slide down my face as I type and I don’t even care. The morning that I got the message that he was on life support everything seemed to stop. I shot out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I couldn’t believe it, how could this be? Two days before, I spoke with my ex to ask him for his home number. We joked that he was the one to introduce me to him, yet he was guilty of losing touch. Agreeing that I fell off, I furiously checked former emails to no avail.
My heart stopped. This was a sick, twisted joke.
I just spoke him up, only to hear two days later that he was fighting for his life. My opportunity was gone. I wanted to tell him how I was fairing, to thank him. The opportunity to fill him in about my boyfriend and all that jazz like we used to do in undergrad was no longer an option.
There was no one to call…. no one to answer me.
Jennifer, when are you coming to see me??
I can hear him in my head asking me over and over… yet, I can’t drown it out. My heart won’t let me.
How was I supposed to know that this would be the last time we spoke? Why didn’t I scrape up money and go see him like he asked? Why didn’t I call him when I got here? Why didn’t I try harder, make more of an effort? Sent an email? Something….anything. Why didn’t I?
Nothing can make me feel better.
I just always believed that he would be there…waiting for me. Sadly, that’s not the case.
He would be laid to rest tomorrow and all I want to do is hop on the next thing smoking to say my final goodbye and I can’t even do that and it HURTS. In a world of technological advancement, we still don’t know how to keep connected with people we care about. We are merely observing others as life passes us by.
Not one to shy away from criticism, I am among those who have a hard time re-connecting with family and friends. However, I don’t like always being the one to facilitate some sort of correspondence. I get it, people are busy with life but it’s always an unfortunate event that has us asking could I have done more?
Better yet, we get in a habit of reaching out to those who rank higher in our list of importance… if we want to be honest about it.
So, could have I done more? The answer is a resounding, YES.
What would it have taken me to sent an email or message just to let them know that I was thinking of him? What would it have been to get a calling card and call him for a 10 minute conversation? ABSOLUTELY FREAKING NOHING and here I am wishing I could go back in time.
I AM UPSET, FURIOUS, DISAPPOINTED….WITH MYSELF.
Trying to find things, places and events to escape the pain is proving tasking. I can’t outrun this feeling. The temporary escapism just leaves a bigger period for me to reflect and think.
And for that….I am sorry.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t see you when I told you that I was going too. I’m sorry that I didn’t reach out to you even though you crossed my mind plenty of times. I’m sorry that my promise was unfulfilled. I’m sorry I can’t be there tomorrow.
Thank you for saying yes when others said no. Thank you for checking up on me when no one else did. Thank you for being my crutch senior year when I was alone and had no one to talk too on campus. Thank you for making your office my safe haven to talk, cry and laugh in. Thank you for giving me the little you have when my funds ran out. Thank you for being the best father figure any girl can ask for.
Rest in perfect peace Dr. Ferdnance.
I love you and I’ll miss you.