It’s been a month and a few days and man…what an adventure.
I arrived and the first few days I was just extremely happy to be with my boyfriend but I had no time to really dwell on the magnitude of the journey that I was about to begin. Only a few days in and I was overwhelmed, anxious and nervous wreck. Trying to get the basic necessities such as a phone, a bank account were all proving to be a long, tiring and daunting task that I wanted to just avoid at ALL costs. Coupled with that, I had a lot of alone time and no one to talk too while the boyfriend was at work, so I got acquainted with British television–hello The Jeremy Kyle Show and HollyOaks!
Waking up in a new country and not really being able to share that experience with family and friends is still hard. I have a tendency to be a loner, sometimes by choice but the feeling of loneliness that I felt was indescribable. So many times I wanted to call my mom or my bestie and just talk but due to the 6 hour time difference, it wasn’t possible. One night I just broke down and cried; I was tired, broken-down and scared. The magnitude of my decision to start a new life abroad finally hit me. I was alone. If anything were to go wrong who would I turn too? Don’t get me wrong, I have my cousins and aunty here but they are not my mom, my bestie Nicole, or my little sis. Reality had finally sunk in-I was starting a new chapter in my life and I wasn’t too sure if I was ready.
Days went by where I didn’t speak with anyone besides the boyfriend. ROUGH. Not to be taken negatively (because I enjoy talking to him but sometimes you need someone else to open up too and share with) but I wanted someone who knew me and understood all my little quirks and monologues that tend to take a life of it’s own. So the little moments that I shared with my bestie and the prayers my mom said to me really kept me grounded and I was ready to take on the world! However, there were several nights that I was frustrated with the boo. Not because he did anything in particular, just because I was jealous that he was able to talk with his friends and yet, here I was… barely even communicating with friends and family back home. My jealousy and annoyance caused some tension for awhile. Being unable to communicate what I was feeling, (without sounding like a loser) I just decided to stew in my thoughts. These moods were becoming more apparent and yet I was still in denial- well, at least with him. I wasn’t prepared to deal with these emotions let alone state that it affected me so strongly. I’m just human.
Thankfully things started to turn around and I felt a bit better. Classes were underway and I started mingling with some people in my program. I was elated. A few messages from the RFC crew came in (friends in uni) and it was great to hear from them! I didn’t have much to discuss besides the change of location and my excitement for my programme but it was hard to relish that I was lonely. How could I be lonely? I was in the UK? Studying abroad? Living the dream? Umm….I guess. Trust me, I don’t take this opportunity for granted, Lord knows what it took to get me here but I won’t deny that it is not as glamourous as some of my friends perceived. Yes, I have done some fun things and ate at some great restaurants but there is more to that than sharing pictures of landmarks and date nights. For me, it’s about the moments that are created….they are going to happen, I’m not worried about that.
Time will come, I am learning to be patient.
Now that classes have started, I am focused because this is my main objective of being here. Thoughts do creep up from time to time and it’s hard to ignore them.
Could I do the work? What are my expectations and theirs? Did they align? Would I make friends? Would I stand out?How will I deal with the day to day of coursework and would I be able to balance it all?
Regardless of not knowing all the answers, I am ready to tackle anything that comes my way. I’m a really lucky girl. I have an amazing person who I get to annoy, laugh with, stress, sing around the house too and be completely vulnerable with. It’s a scary feeling and some times I want to run away and close myself off; however, I won’t let my past experiences ruin something good in my life. He’s my first love. I have casted my worries aside and it feels good to be happy- really happy.
Living with my boyfriend has been insightful. There are a lot of misconceptions that come with living with your boyfriend and trust me, I had my list. I’ve learned so much about myself in such a short amount of time and sometimes the truth hurts. A relationship shows you things about yourself that you may be unaware of and let me tell you, the truth could be a hard pill to swallow. I already knew that I could be controlling but I really had to learn how to compromise. When I am upset or disappointed, I shutdown immediately, learning how to not be rude to someone when all I want to do is be left alone to wallow and think has been difficult (a work in progress). There are some things about the boo that took time to get adjusted too but overall it’s been great.
So what is the best part of living together?
To be honest, and this might be cheesy…but I get to come home to someone who makes being here that much better.