So many of us need to hear this- it’s OK to let go. There…I said it! Yes, it may be difficult and it may hurt. There are days that you may want to dwell on the pain and drown in regret but just know that it’s counter-productive. I knew the signs and symptoms all to well. My best friend, (love her) was the only person I could be completely honest with.
Jen was the girl who would give because she cared-maybe a little too much. You needed help, I was there. Advice? Ego boost? Friendly shoulder to lean on? Food? Whatever it was…I had your back (whether you deserved it or not). When disappointment set in (it usually does when your expectations are not consistent with reality) I was enraged and saddened that things didn’t pan out MY way. I used to be the one who would held unto the pain, the disappointment because my EGO couldn’t stomach that I wasn’t the ‘one’ to them.
Not everyone is going to like you, and you know what? It’s alright.
Once I realized that harboring these feelings held no purpose in my life or self worth, I decided to let go. I vented, rehashed old wounds and wrote every day in my journal. What exactly was I feeling? Where was it stemming from and where did the blame lie? Time truly does heal all wounds and I had to find that for myself. When I finally came back to my senses, I had to fix me. I forgave myself for holding unto someone and something that didn’t care. I forgave my heart for putting it through bullshit that it didn’t deserve and most importantly, I forgave them. I matured.
Just because I forgave didn’t mean that I was ready to try again…I was slightly jaded and hesitant to become vulnerable with someone who could take advantage of that, again.
No way Jose, not I.
So I vowed to keep my heart locked away and play it cool. I mastered the art of getting to know someone and keeping things “light”. Oh you want to get to know me better? Yea, nothing here for you sir. Want to take me out and dance all night? I’m your girl!
For a whole year I dated like the world was coming to an end. I dated multiple guys at a time and didn’t care whose feelings I ended up hurting. Yea, not my proudest moments but I was selfish and scared. I enjoyed conversing and getting to know process but I was unable to delve farther into something more meaningful. My heart was craving something but my actions were contradicting it completely. I was hard shell to crack.
I said the right thing, acted the part to the tee….but deep down inside I was a liar.
Funny how life works…when I decided to release and let love in, it came pouring in and I’m still in awe at times. Nothing beats the feeling of sharing your life with someone who respects you, loves you and is your best friend. What I was seeking, I now reflected.
Everything that I endured and witnessed now served its purpose. I was no longer a victim of my actions or my past…I was stronger and happier. I dealt with my fears and tackled them head on. I opened up myself to allow love, healing and friendship for someone other than myself. No longer hiding my real self, I was able to let my hair down and reveal all of me.
My fears, insecurities, flaws and quirks were finally exposed. I no longer packaged myself in a manner that wasn’t real and it felt AMAZING. Fearing that he wouldn’t accept me was the risk I was willing to take; funny enough the feelings were mutual. We were both dealing with issues and coming from a past that had major twists and turns and yet I didn’t run and neither did he. That moment I knew he was the one. I couldn’t explain it and my heart wanted to deny it…shoot, I was in heavy denial.
Sabotage was the name of the game but I vowed that I would’t allow it to rear its nasty head…not this time around.