There was a point in my life where all I wanted to do was date and have fun. I had no expectations and no clear boundaries but I was living it up. (So I thought) Well that excitement didn’t last long and I was left wanting more…unfortunately, I didn’t cultivate anything meaningful with the people I was dating and was left disappointed and a bit jaded.
I had to sit back and come to terms with myself. I was a hypocrite. I was seeking and demanding things that I did not possess. Contradiction was the name of the game and I played it well; my heart was declaring love, monogamy along with everything imaginable, yet, my mind was saying go with the flow. I was NOT requiring any of these guys to step up to the plate…I guess in some manner I knew they weren’t what I was looking for.
When I finally found him, my behavior changed. I knew what I wanted and wasn’t afraid to SPEAK UP. I laid out my boundaries and told him that if he wanted to be serious these were my expectations. No talking in circles, no “flowing into an empty, bottomless, disappointed pit.” If he wasn’t interested he was free to go as he pleased. In return, he respected my wishes, he showed me that he was serious and our friendship developed into something more meaningful and for that I’m grateful.
I didn’t sell myself short for short term gratification and I didn’t invest my heart and emotions into someone who could care less. Not again.
So you want a relationship with a great guy who has you grinning from ear to ear, who respects you, loves you, communicates with you and genuinely wants to be with you? Great! What steps are you taking to get him? Are you still entertaining guys who only “text” when you truly want them to call? Still making yourself available for last minutes plans? Engaging in sex with someone who wants to just “date around”?!
Ahh I see. How is that working out for ya?
If it’s anything that I may recall, it NEVER does.
Well, here are a few of my “rules”…more-so guidelines in to how to get the relationship that you are truly seeking.
Rule 1-Don’t Be a Booty Call:
“If he don’t respect you girl , he will forget you girl”. I feel that how a man treats you is a reflection of the women he has dated before you. However, you have the ability to change that. First thing is to be aware of clear-cut boundaries that you have with yourself. Are you consistent with demanding respect in your “actions”? If he isn’t showing you that he is worth it, he either has to step UP or stand DOWN. Tolerating crumbs from a man, inadvertently tells him that you are not worth the “effort.” Trust me, I thought going with the “flow” made me cool, less demanding but in reality it showed that I had no back bone and that I would put up with something that didn’t favor me. Who would seriously want to date that? Exactly.
Rule 2 – Don’t Be the “Other Woman”
“If he will cheat on her that means he will cheat on you”. This is very straight to the point and doesn’t need explanation, but there would be a few who think they are the exception to the rule.
“But you don’t understand, I didn’t know he was with someone. Yet, when I found out, I still stayed.” Or better yet, “She doesn’t deserve a man like that.”
Ummmmm…..alright. I am very keen on the fact that whatever you put out there somehow, someway would come right back to you. Don’t let shows like Scandal fool you. It is never a great feeling to be the woman on the side. Your self-esteem will constantly struggle with the fact that you are sharing a man who has committed himself to someone else. If a man wants to be with you, he’ll cut ALL ties off and pursue you. He will not dabble, linger, or hide the person he is with; why would you want to deal with someone like that in the first place? Oh and if he does it with you, you will be in the same predicament of the last woman.
Wouldn’t you like peace of mind in your relationship?? Yea, I figured as much.
Rule 3- Tell him that you’re celibate
“And if he wants some of your goodies he gon have to work for it”. I use to think that sleeping with someone who is not your boy/girl friend is your prerogative as long as you are safe and having fun. Well, I no longer think that. There is no worse feeling than sleeping with someone and falling for them, only for them to move on to someone else who stood their ground and demanded that they will only be intimate in a monogamous relationship. Can you imagine the heartbreak and disappointment?! If you are going to have sex, just make sure you know where you stand and you are genuinely OK with it. If you want a relationship, then remove sex from the equation and when you get that relationship, slowly introduce it. My two cents of course.
Rule 4- Be the person you wanna find
“Don’t be a nickel out here looking for a dime”. Pretty self explanatory. You want a guy who will respect you, be honest, loyal, commit, keep his words and be consistent? Yet, you are still plotting for the next guy, responding to texts from your ex and flirting like you’re single… have a seat.
Listen- it’s hard to be vulnerable, I understand that but when you get into a relationship it is no longer about SELF. When I think about doing something, I think about how my boo would feel and even better, if he did it to me, would I appreciate it? Would I throw a fit? Would I seek revenge in my own way? If the answers to all these are a resounding yes, than I have my answer. Just make sure that what you’re actively seeking a partner, that person can find those qualities/traits in you.