Now that the weather is slowly picking up, I have been approached 10 times more than the last few months. Maybe it’s the curly hair style going on or I’m just genuinely happy with myself right now and that aura is spreading like wildfire. Who knows.
Today was no different, after a great weekend of lovely weather and fun, I’ve been all smiles. Getting lunch today was like every other day, nothing too special or crazy about it. While ordering my meal, I could see this man from a distance staring at me. Nervously glancing at him, he smiled and I smiled back. Not thinking anything of it, I proceeded to complete my order and that’s when he approached me …
Random man at Cosi: Excuse me miss, how are you doing?
Me: Hi, I’m fine.
R.M: I know you don’t know me…but you look beautiful.
Me: Ughh…thank you.
R.M: Do you mind if I sit with you?
I wasn’t looking forward to sharing my lunch time with anyone but he wasn’t getting the hint or maybe he was and didn’t give two f-ks; after the initial awkwardness subsided, we actually had a great conversation. After finding out that he was a consultant for a firm near by, we delved into our careers and what we wanted out of life. No way was I prepared for what he was about to say next.
R.M: Why are you single, Jennifer? I mean, look at you. You are beautiful and have the most stunning eyes. You are intelligent and you carry yourself well. What’s wrong with you?
Thrown off by this man’s last question, I was speechless. Why did something have to be wrong with me as if being single was a horrible predicament to be in. Watching my every move, I decided to smile and exit the table. I didn’t muster a witty comeback or rude comment like I wanted, I just left. Too stunned and a bit outraged at the notion that there was something “wrong with me”, my mind couldn’t help but to replay that question over and over again.
Why should I feel bad for being single? Just because I am “alone” doesn’t mean that I’m lonely.
My decision on being single is a factor of many things. I could be in a relationship if I wanted to be, so that is not the issue. When it comes to the matters of my heart, I don’t give that away too easily…well, not anymore. I have grown so much in these past couple of years that when it deals with my heart, I’m not taking the easy route. I don’t want to be that person who is in a relationship just to be in one.
I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with that. I get bored rather easily and lose focus. For me to be in a relationship with someone means that this person has mentally locked me down. If a guy did that…yeah, no mistaken I will be in a relationship, but until than I am enjoying the sisterhood of singledom.
The person who I decide to be in committed, serious, monogamous relationship with is going to be a lucky guy. Why? Because out of all those who came looking, I chose him.
Take this analogy for instance. You finally land your dream job and all you can think about is your first pay check. Maybe it was those pair of shoes you’ve always wanted or maybe it was that Michael Kors Rose Gold watch (cough cough) that you had your eye on. Whatever it is you have already fantasized about it. Now when payday comes do you blow your hard earned money OR do you go and pay your bills, put some in your savings account and go treat yourself to that item you’ve been eyeing?
Duh, you go with option B!
You see there was a lot of planning that went ahead. You just don’t jump into any and everything because you CAN…you watch, observe, test but more importantly you wait. Not wait for ever, just wait until you feel that the time is right for you to take it to the next level.
What really upset me wasn’t the fact that I’m single. Shoot, I like being single. I like the aspect of getting to know someone and seeing how things develop. I like the nervousness I get when I see someone I like. I like the kisses that are shared and the process of getting to know someone…trust me I like all of that. However, I shouldn’t be made out to feel like there is something wrong with me just because it’s not +1.
Yes, I got where he was coming from, sorta. An attractive, intelligent women like myself (not bragging) should not be single. Well, no. Actually, why not? Why shouldn’t an attractive, intelligent women not be single? The perception that he quickly had of me once he knew my status dumbfounded me.
He does not know my life and my back story so I gave him a slight break but I was taken a back. I can’t harp on the guy too much because this is a question I get a lot from family and friends. If you asked me months ago why I was not in a relationship while I had one guy who was very much interested and another one who could care less, my answer would have been a solid “I don’t know”.
Now, looking back at it. I was emotionally unavailable.
I wasn’t in the right space to allow someone in. Yes, I had a form of companionship. I liked knowing that I had someone to talk too and spend time with, but when it came to getting to know the real me…the fun, vulnerable, analytic, goofy, silly, awkward, nervous and other adjective to describe me at the time, me…yeah, that barricade was on an all time high.
I was guarded.
Jen, do you even want to be with him…to be with anyone right now?
Nico…honestly, I don’t know. I like the idea of being in a relationship but right now…with him. No.
There it was staring me in the face and I had to finally own up too it.
Being single has not only given me time to think about the past and behaviors that I allowed from others, but the profound and harsh realities that I had with myself were life changing. To be brutally honest with yourself is the hardest thing to do. I couldn’t hide or deter my feelings/emotions/thoughts any longer…I had to deal with me. However, I wouldn’t have been able to do all of that if I was in a relationship especially with someone who I wasn’t 100% about.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have it all figured out and honestly, I don’t want too…that’s what makes life, well, life. I will make mistakes, I will change my mind, I will love hard, I will cry at times but that’s what makes me…ME. So when I do get into that relationship, I will know that I am fully capable to love and care for a person the way that I would like to be loved and cared for. He will get to know all sides of me and that my friends is better than gold!
Ladies, so what do you say when a guy asks you that question? Do you get offended? Take it as a compliment?