This weekend has been stressful. Moving has taught me a lot of things but I’m enjoying the process. I moved into my new place and all I could think about was decorating and unpacking. As the night started winding down a friend of mine who was helping took me to Walmart. It’s been a while since I been there and it was quite a drive to get too one.
As we were driving we started talking about our dating experiences here in the city and I was shocked at some of the insights he was giving me. Not wanting to let him off the hook, I asked him what happened to the last girl he dated. After explaining the situation, I was curious if he was dating someone new. He was, I wasn’t surprised but I was surprised at how he answered my next question.
So when was the last time you had sex?
An awkward silence was the only response I got.
Not sure if I offended him, I rephrased my question and he laughed. Unsure why he was taken such a long time to answer the question, I continued to press on. Maybe he was agitated and felt uncomfortable but his silence piqued my curiosity even more.
Jen…is it really that big of a deal? Why are you asking this anyway?
I’m just curious, don’t people usually ask that question?
But what does knowing have to do with anything.
OK…so what happens to the girl that you will start dating and maybe you guys want to hook up or mess around. Don’t both of you have the right to know?
….Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Right…so how long has it been since you slept with someone?
2 Weeks ago.
And you recently started dating someone new, right?
Soooo what happened to the old girl?
Nothing. She’s still there.
Does she know that you are dating other people?
I’m not sure to be honest…
Hmmm….my mind was racing and there were so many things that I wanted to say…shoot even ask, but I knew he wasn’t open to answering any more of my questions. However, I couldn’t help but wonder about these two girls. Here is a girl whose dating a guy and enjoying his company, to the point that they even slept together, yet, he’s on the prowl looking for someone new. Does that mean he doesn’t like the girl? Not necessarily, but his actions are very telling. I’m not sure if she is dating other people but I truly hope so.
So who should be hurt, who should be blamed?
Not sure, to be quite honest.
This is where things get interesting though. You throw the new girl in the mix who is completely oblivious to what has happened prior to her. She starts going on dates and start falling for him and then she finds out that she is not the only one occupying his time. So what is she supposed to do?
Who says dating is easy? LOL.
These are scenarios that many men and women find themselves in. Honestly, I have found myself in this predicament before and it’s not the best of places to be in. So how do you work through the confusion, pretenses and lies?
Yes, you know…an actual conversation. Not texting, not updating your Facebook status with ominous posts or venting your frustration on Twitter but having an honest conversation with yourself FIRST and then with the person you are dealing with.
With self gratification at the forefront of many minds when it comes to dating, you have to be aware the situation you may or may not find yourself in. I honestly believe that people are afraid to ask the important questions when it comes to dating. Most people don’t want to come off as desperate, needy or pushy but when things don’t go the way they initially planned they are so confused on how they got there.
Instead of not wanting to rock the boat, many people go along with the “flow” hoping that it streams in the direction that they want. Yeah, life doesn’t work out that way and this is not a rom-com movie that has an obvious great ending. This is real life and people do real life shit.
Yes, you may get your feelings hurt. Yes, you might be disappointed. Yes, you may feel like the world is shitting on you. Yes, yes and yes to whatever negative thoughts you have in your mind. But how would you know if you don’t ask? I understand that not everyone will treat you with the respect you deserve and yes not everyone is honest with their expectations and desires but that is the risk you have to take. The only thing that you can control is yourself and that is the best side of the seat to be in. Trust me.
Before you go badgering and demanding answers, do you know what you want?
Are you clear on your expectations first? Do you know what you want? What are your purposes of dating? Is it to have fun and meet new people? Or is it to meet someone and get in a serious relationship? What? Ok, now you got the hard part down…you know what you want but what about the other person? Are their goals and expectations aligning with yours?
Can’t answer that let set of questions….just ASK!
I would rather be uncomfortable for that moment than invest my feelings and emotions only to find out months down the line, the person I’m dating did not have the same mindset that I had.
Been there, done that and yeah…you end up losing in the end.
So when he asks you when was the last time you have sex. Answer the question. Now, if it was yesterday yeah…..hold off but be honest to some extent. When he asks, what are you looking for be honest. If you are looking for a long-term relationship, say so! Don’t say I’m just looking for something casual and then later as feelings develop start adjusting your expectations. If you feel that you can’t detach your feelings from sex, than say so early, not when your legs are wrapped around his back and all you could hear are your own lust-filled moans. Yeah…that won’t work.
It may be uncomfortable but it’s only temporary…remember that.