Friends with Benefits…You Down?


That was the first text that popped up in my inbox late Sunday afternoon.  Stunned at what I just read, I couldn’t help but chuckle. Has it gotten to this point? 


To be honest I was surprised at how crass this guy was and the fact that he thought it was okay to text me something like that. Some may think why are you even talking to this guy, let’s be clear, I’m not.  To protect the guilty, I will call him “David”.  David and I met briefly and he was  instantly vying for my attention. We chatted briefly and he flatly told me that he was interested in a friends with benefits situation. Knowing the direction of his mind, I clearly told  him that I wasn’t interested in him or the proposition that he so earnestly wanted me to accept.

I’m not a big fan of friends with benefits and he wasn’t going to change my mind about that.

Fast forward to a month and half later, David hits me up again insisting that I give him a shot and maybe just maybe he can change my mind. Once again, a conversation regarding the pros and cons of a friends with benefits relationship  came up and I was not interested AT ALL.  Not backing down he insisted that we should meet up for drinks and see if we had any chemistry. If going on a date with him for drinks will shut him up than so be it… I would go.

Dressed ultra conservative, I made sure that nothing was poking, squeezing or peaking out. This should make his lil pecker go all the way down. LOL. Oh how wrong I was.

Picking me up in his 2011 Audi a7 sportsback, David was definitely on the hunt to impress. We headed to the Ritz and all I could think about was this dude can’t be serious. As we sat and ordered drinks, I could tell that he was assessing me. You see, David is white; not that it’s a problem but I could tell that he was intrigued in the sexual aspect of what he thought I could offer. Not knowing how he came to that conclusion I had to ask. What about me screamed sex????

Should I be ashamed that I find you attractive ?”, he inquired. 

“Here we go”, I thought as I tried to find the best words to display my frustrations. I told him that there was nothing wrong with finding me attractive but I am not interested in what he had to offer, which was no strings attached sex. After telling me his sob story of how he was in a long distance relationship for three years and was cheated on, he looked at me as if  I should understand why he wanted to have a casual relationship.

What’s the problem, Jen? We can go out, have fun and a few times a week have sex? What’s the problem?

I couldn’t help but to chuckle…is this really happening??

I had to give it to him, he definitely caught my attention with his brute honesty but one thing he lacked was respect. I told him once again that I wasn’t interested, thanked him for the drinks and kept it moving. That unfortunately wasn’t enough for him. Sunday was his last attempt with that silly text message but it showed his TRUE intentions and I was not happy at all.

Baffled at this whole experience I had to call my bestie and let her know what happened. Shocked and confused, she wanted to know how it got this far. I can’t understand either and was unsure how it escalated to this point but this guy was on a mission of fulfilling his selfish agenda. All I knew was I wanted no part in it.

How could I be OK with someone using up my time and my body!  For what…couple of drinks, dinner here and there and a place to crash my head from time to time? 

Is it because he’s white Jen that it bothers you? What if it was a black guy who you were doing all of this with but he wasn’t up front with his intentions,  and  was masking it under “dating”, would you still be offended? 

“Yes”, I blurted but silence resonated over the phone.

I took a couple of minutes to actually think about what my bestie said and it hit me.

Was I being bias because he was a white guy, who was being overtly bold with me with regarding his intentions or should I still be upset? If I was dating a black guy and doing all of the above that David mentioned and he was masking it as dating but his intentions were never to be serious with me would I be upset? What was really getting under my skin….his delivery? His boldness? What?

Needing more advice, I called up a good friend of mine and asked her for insight. After laughing at the whole plight, she and my bestie came up with the same conclusion. The delivery was wrong but they couldn’t knock his honesty even if it was too straight forward (no chaser). My girl friend was right and asked me the same question: Would I be upset if I was dating a black guy and were doing everything that friends with benefits did but WAS NOT  in a relationship? Would I be ok with it or does it seem better because the guy is black?

Once again, great questions….

I decided that it wasn’t because of his skin color but his delivery was completely wrong and lacked respect. There was a selfish and disturbing way that he went about it. Not only were we NOT friends but here is a guy basically proposition for sex in return for drinks and a “good time”. SMH.

Umm sir, this is not Craigslist.

Yes, movies like “Friends With Benefits” starring Justin Timberlake and  Mila Kunis glamorize the ideal of a casual relationship but things do get tricky.

Someone always gets their feelings hurt and someone always feel used. Now if you find yourself in one that’s different but if you intentionally enter one and it doesn’t lead to a fruitful relationship, who do you blame……yourself of course.

I knew that I couldn’t change this guy mind; didn’t matter how witty, charming, intelligent, cultured or whatever adjective you want to throw in the mix I was. Here is my conclusion: he was looking to experiment with a black girl and he thought I was worth pursuing. Forget his fancy car, great job and handome looks he was a certified asshole.

Fortunately, I know what I’m looking for and friends with benefits is NOT it. It’s tempting to be in casual relationships and yes, it does have perks BUT in the end it’s detrimental if you actually want to be in a serious, committed relationship. I understand that it’s getting warm and people are definitely going to exhaust their options and that is fine but I won’t willingly cheapen myself for short term attention and gratification.

Have you been in a friends with benefits? If so, has that worked out, why or why not? Would you get into one? What are the rules and regulations to get into one? 


3 thoughts on “Friends with Benefits…You Down?

  1. They don’t ever seem to work…feelings, jealously, anger (because feelings aren’t reciprocated)or some other deep seated emotion creeps up which eventually ruins it. Unless both people are void of emotion I don’t see how FWB’s can carry on for a significant period of time

    1. I agree somehow feelings will take precedence and the truth has an interesting way of rearing its head. People like the idea of being in a casual relationship which is an oxymoron in itself.

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