Here We Go Again…Don’t Be An Option!!

Sometimes I don’t understand why things happen but I learned life has a way of answering my questions for me. My holiday break has been interesting. I was not sure what to expect but I was not disappointed at all. I got to see a lot of people that I haven’t seen and spent time with loved ones.

A lot has happened in this short time that it will take several posts (coming soon…PROMISE) to explain everything.

I got to see a really good friend who I hadn’t seen in years, she made me laugh and cry with everything she had been through since I last talked to her. We delved on our careers, our friends and the men or lack of them in our lives.

She explained to me that she had been dating this guy who she was deeply in love with but things started changing and she didn’t understand why. She was devastated that her love, her time, her sacrifice and everything else was not being reciprocated. After 2 years, she ended that relationship and to her she hasn’t been the same.



Easier said than done…I agree, especially if emotions run deep. I have also realized in my own life that I was making myself an option to someone who wasn’t  planning on choosing me for awhile or even at all. The tell tale signs were there and I could see them but somehow the mind has a way of tricking/fooling or maybe perhaps shielding/blinding you from reality.

Signs that you are an OPTION by Natalie Lue (founder and writer of

You keep hanging around trying to convince them that they should be with you and demanding that they love you.

You’re still talking to them and making room for them in your life no matter how poorly they’ve treated you.

When you allow yourself to be an ‘option’, you hang around letting them use you up with a possibility of being ‘chosen’ while often committing yourself to the idea that they’re your only option.

You’re giving them freedom and the right to ‘choose’ you while curtailing your own freedom and diminishing your self-esteem and your boundaries in the process which removes your power and creates a greatly imbalanced ‘relationship’. Instead of being in an equitable, mutual partnering, you hand over all of your power and then lay down and let a doormat sprout from you.

Being an option gives other people the option of directing your life, even if they don’t want to.

You’re giving them the choice of keeping you in their back pocket for a rainy day emotional airbag to fallback on for an ego stroke, shag or a shoulder to lean on.

You’re also communicating that you’re OK with being a choice – there are other options – which allows them to keep their options open. But more worryingly, when you allow yourself to be an option, you communicate that they don’t haveto choose, they don’t have to value you and they are free to reject you and pick up again when they feel like it.

Being an option means you’re uncommitted and they’reuncommitted.

It also means that you’re prevented from having the choice to be available for anavailable relationship because being someone’s option shuts you off to other opportunities. Don’t believe me? If you’ve ever tried to date while being an option for someone, you’ll have struggled to be emotionally present and correct because you’re unavailable and into the person you’ve optioned yourself to.

You’ll never be able to move on with your life, feel a sense of personal contentment and forge a happier, mutually fulfilling relationship with someone that values you, if you’re option for someone else that doesn’t or only values you for what they can get out of you on their terms.

After I read that, I finally admitted that I was THAT girl.

Despite the many times that I broke away from that feeling,  I was always drawn out in some form of ‘hope’, only for it to be short-lived and reality crashes down. My light bulb moment came during this break when I told him:

“I don’t think I’m good enough for you.”, I meant that he didn’t think that I was the best person out there for him; it was as if he was looking for something better to come around the corner and surprise him.  After I explained it to him, there was an acknowledging silence that confirmed it for me.

I already knew that he didn’t know what he wanted but to add to it, he didn’t know if I was the one when the time was ready for him to commit. I could be wrong but I have a strong inclination that I am right.

I laugh sometimes when I read my thoughts out loud; not to be dismissive or avoid my feelings but sometimes my thoughts are too perplexed to say out loud. Sitting here now my mind has analyzed, over analyzed and has done play-by-play analysis that can rival any ESPN sports broadcast.

I think A LOT…maybe too much but that’s what makes me… ME. 

For anyone who is holding out hope that the person that you adore and would bend backwards over could see you the way you see them…my hope is that that your wish comes true. BUT I pray that you meet someone who doesn’t have to ponder about how they feel about you. That the mere thought of NOT having you in their life doesn’t make any sense to them. That the decision to be in a relationship with you is not even questioned…that seeing you and hearing from you genuinely brings them joy and happiness. That they would not only be your lover but most importantl, your friend.

2012 is around the corner…time for a new beginning, a new way of thinking…hey, maybe even a new relationship!!!


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